Once upon a time, I gave up on love and the fact that it would never come. I went out almost every night. I never drank or did anything I just went out to meet new people. The new people always seem to be cool, nice, and seemed like the right one.
But don’t they always seem perfect, at first?
After a while, I started to feel nothing for people anymore. The only thing I ever felt was the passion and infatuation with the idea that the only thing anybody ever wanted from me was the physical things. I’m not going to lie I believed it and I went with because that was the only reason I ever felt wanted.
It wasn’t the fact that I sent them a good morning messages every morning or brought them food cause they hadn’t ate all day. It wasn’t the fact that not having a car could stop me from coming to see them. The time and patience I had for so many by always resulted in the same thing.
I went through this phase where I tried to change my hair, my clothes, and even tried to change myself for others. It’s hard to believe that’s what happened to me. But it did.
99.9 % of the time people took me for granted and used me to get the things they needed. I wasn’t dumb, I always knew what it was. I knew what I was good for. But all I wanted was the attention.
The fact that almost 3-4 years ago, that’s the only thing I felt. I had these emotions that were gone and no longer exsisitent. I couldn’t understand how I could waste so much time with one person and still get nothing out of it. The only things that ever came from it was disappointment, angry, resentment, & the favorite heartbreak.
I expected more from people then I should have. I expected someone to go out of there way and do things for me. I expected someone to finally want to just settle down and just choose me for once. I expected people to know they were the only one I wanted. But eventually it got to the point where I had to expect less from people. That this is how people are and this is what happens when younger yours hopes up for someone who isn’t right for you.
Once upon a time, I was waking up to someone every morning and I could’nt have felt happier and more content with life. I was enjoying the fact that I no longer had to wake up alone. The fact the I had found the one that I wanted to wake up next to every morning.
The fact that finally somebody chose me.
Yeah you heard me, they chose me.
I no longer need to go out out of my to impress them. They loved me for my lovely morning breathe and wild hair. I enjoyed the early morning cuddles. I enjoyed the random date nights or ordering a large pepperoni pizza and watching a movie. I met the family and the friends. It was like it was finally happening…
But what I did not see coming was the thing I never thought I would ever do.. After a while, I was crying almost everyday of every week. I watched them walk out on me leave me almost everyday. I watched them talk shit upon my name. I watched them almost take my life from me. But I stayed and I told myself, “Things will get better.”
Because who would want to lose there happiness?
The time came when I didn’t want to go home anymore. I was sleeping along every night. I was getting ignored and yelled at on a consistent basis. There weren’t anymore dates or movie nights.
I lost who I was. I was no longer the person I wanted to be. I no longer wanted this pain and anger all the time.
It was time to let go. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I had to let go. For me and for them. For us.
Then a day came when the loneliness was eating me up inside. The idea that this was my last chance at happiness and love. The idea that I am no longer happy, made me angry inside. I slipped right back into those old ways. I met the wrong people all over again and I let them use me all over again. I let them in.
One thing I never do is treat anyone different because of what somebody else did too me. I give you the chance to earn my trust. I let you in and see the real me.
Through it all I never continue to stop smiling or keep taking it day by day. Info not let people see the hurt, disappointment, angry, and loneliness. I will never allow anyone to make feel that way again.
Because I am strong.
No matter what I always come first. I am know I am better them. I am worth more they will ever know. I know one day that when that person comes my way and they do what nobody else has done. I’ll know that I have truly found the person that makes me happy. But not only will I have already learned love myself but I will be able to learn to love them as well.
Am ever I going to get my happily ever after?
I don’t know but what I do know is I will always have me through it all.